Perspective

This letter is one that I'm sure some of you have read before.  The focus is on keeping life in the proper perspective. Although life can be tough, circumstances are not always as bad as they could be.  Keep life in perspective!

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Dear Mother and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss is writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you on sitting down. Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.  Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't got the exact date yet but I promise it will be before my pregnancy shows. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boy friend has a minor infection that prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.  I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that. 

Now that I have brought you up-to-date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or skull fracture. I was not in the hospital and I am not pregnant. I am not engaged, I am not infected and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.

Your Loving Daughter
Susie

"Hurt people, hurt people"

“Hurt people, hurt people“.  People who have been hurt will often turn around and hurt other people.   I was reminded of this phrase today when I reflected on some disappointing behaviors that I experienced within my extended family.  Sometimes when people react in ways that are hurtful, they are responding out of their own pain or experiences.   It is difficult making sense out of behaviors that simply have no rationale or justification.  Bitterness is very destructive and self-destructive. It is like a dangerous poison that can impact people physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Forgiveness is not about who was right or who was wrong.  When we forgive, we recognize the situation for what it is, get beyond it and move on to a place of contentment instead of bitterness.  Forgiveness stops us from being stuck in a downward spiral of resentment and negativity that can result in taking out our hurt and anger on others.  Forgiveness sets us free and establishes a foundation for peace regardless of the situation that we have experienced.  Below are some thoughts that helped me to re-frame my own circumstances and to put things into perspective. 

“Hurt people hurt people. We are not being judgmental by separating ourselves from such people. But we should do so with compassion. Compassion is defined as a "keen awareness of the suffering of another coupled with a desire to see it relieved." People hurt others as a result of their own inner strife and pain. Avoid the reactive response of believing they are bad; they already think so and are acting that way. They aren't bad; they are damaged and they deserve compassion. Note that compassion is an internal process, an understanding of the painful and troubled road trod by another. It is not trying to change or fix that person.”
― Will Bowen, Complaint Free Relationships: Transforming Your Life One Relationship at a Time

“Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily.”
― Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential

Acceptance - "It is what it is"

Not everything that is faced can be changed. 
But nothing can be changed until it is faced.  - James Baldwin

Why is it that people sometimes get frustrated when situations
do not turn out the way they want them to?   Have you ever had an urge
to influence the outcome of a situation?  Past experiences,
knowledge, values and expectations can influence our perception
of how things “should” be.  Acceptance is being at peace with our
circumstances, even when we do not like the outcome.  Responding
with judgment, strong resistance, negativity and hostility can keep
us stuck in an unproductive atmosphere and attitude of hopelessness. 

Do you know someone who has experienced a negative life situation
many years ago and still talks about the situation regularly with negativity
and hostility?  They are "stuck" and can not move forward or see
possibilities for growth or life lessons.  They continue to speak life
into situations that were over with a long time ago. 

A more positive response to tough situations would be to cultivate
an attitude of acceptance and faith. When we respond to challenges
with an attitude of acceptance and faith, we are better able to
look at circumstances from a different point of view, to see possibilities
and to move forward. 

A very close friend often uses the phrase "find the beauty in it".  Even when
negative things happen, consider the possibility of moving forward to
something better.  No one can predict what the future will look like. 
The reality is that negative situations will happen to everyone. 
Do not get "stuck" in unproductive, negative thoughts that keep you bound
to situations long after they have occurred.  Life happens..."It is what it is"

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right

-- Reinhold Niebuhr

What's stopping you?

What’s stopping you?  This is a question that I often ask people. 
Why do you avoid doing things that you know need to be done? 
I am personally guilty of putting off household tasks like cleaning
my garage and storage room.  I have had these tasks on my list of
things to do for longer than I care to admit. 

Below are some powerful quotes about procrastination that I hope
will stimulate your thoughts.¹

“Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.”
  ~William James

“There are a million ways to lose a work day, but not even a single
  way to get one back.”  ~Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister

“It is an undoubted truth, that the less one has to do, the less time
  one finds to do it in.”  ~Earl of Chesterfield

“The two rules of procrastination:  1) Do it today.  2) Tomorrow will
  be today tomorrow. “ ~Author Unknown

“One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.”
  ~Vincent T. Foss

“You may delay, but time will not.”  ~Benjamin Franklin

“To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing.” ~Eva Young

“Procrastination is opportunity's assassin.”  ~Victor Kiam

“If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, just keep
  putting off doing it.”  ~Olin Miller

“What may be done at any time will be done at no time.”  ~Scottish Proverb

“The best way to get something done is to begin.”  ~Author Unknown

“You know you are getting old when it takes too much effort to
  procrastinate.”  ~Author Unknown

“I do my work at the same time each day - the last minute.”  ~Author Unknown

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.”  ~Spanish Proverb

“Putting off an easy thing makes it hard.  Putting off a hard thing makes it impossible.”  ~George Claude Lorimer

“Tomorrow is the only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man. “ ~Jimmy Lyons

“A year from now you may wish you had started today.”  ~Karen Lamb

“One of these days is none of these days.”  ~Henri Tubach and H.G. Bohn

      ¹Quotes taken from http://www.quotegarden.com/procrastination.html

How important is eye contact?

  

What are the possible messages that people send with their eyes?
How can your eye expressions be interpreted?

Eyes are sometimes referred to as “a window to the soul”.  Your eyes can be used to
make initial contact with someone, send a message or signal to them or to build
rapport.   The brain is wired to read the face when communicating.  Eye contact
plays a key role in how you interpret messages sent by others.  The way a person
looks at you provides a signal about what they are feeling.  Although the eyes
don’t tell all, they are very revealing.  Observing eye messages will allow you to
adjust how you interact to people and observe the subtle or direct signals that
they are sending to you.

 - Extended gaze or stare

·         Serious and intense

·         Aggressive or deceptive

·         Can be invasive or threatening

·         Shock or disbelief  after hearing unexpected news

·         Can show affection

- Intermittent, repeated glance from a distance

·         Flirtation or lust

·         Checking someone out or showing interest

- Glancing sideways

·         Distracted

·         Checking out source of a distraction

- Squinting

·         Evaluation

·         Considering whether something is not true 

·         Uncertainty

·         Covering up deception

·         Tiredness

 -Lateral movement - Eyes moving from side-to-side 

·         Shiftiness and lying

- Gazing up and down

·         Sizing someone up

·         Checking out a potential threat or love interest

·         Can be insulting

·         Indication of a position of dominance

- Avoiding eye contact

·         Lying or feeling guilty

·         Uncomfortable with the topic being discussed

·         Not interested

·         Feeling insecure

·         Insulted or threatened

·         Not focused or paying attention

- Gazing regularly without staring

·         Positive, inviting attitude 

·         Open to communicate with you

·         Showing engagement and acknowledgement

-  Winking

·         Conspiring - 'You and I both understand, though others do not'

·         Suggestive or flirtatious greeting

- Prolonged blinking

·         Losing interest

·         Feeling very sleepy

·         Showing romantic interest

·         Thinking more or are feeling stressed

·         Lying

- Rolling the eyes upwards

·         Disagreement

·         Thinking

·         Recalling

·         Bored

·         Thinking about response/Brain processing

- Looking down

·         Feeling guilt

·         Attending to emotions

·         Sign of submission

Think about the message that you are trying to send through your eye contact and
the signal that people are sending to you.  Practice improving your eye contact
with the people that you encounter.  Your eyes can be used as a non-verbal way to
attend to emotions and deepen relationships with people that you are close to. 
Avoid the traps that may send negative signals and cause others to misinterpret
the message that you are trying to send.

Thanks to Pete Vorenkamp, Founding Partner of GAP Marketing, for his

contribution to this post.

Take notice of your POSTURE

How often do you take notice of your posture?  Do you observe how others position themselves?  

There are multiple definitions of the word posture which address the position and condition of the body, mind and attitude. 

“the position or bearing of the body”¹“state or condition at a given time especially with respect to capability in particular circumstances”¹
“a conscious mental or outward behavioral attitude”¹

I can remember being told as a child to “stand up straight” and that “bad posture can affect your back”.  My teacher often encouraged students to sit up straight.  I became accustomed to adjusting my body position and my mindset even when I was not particularly interested in the topic.  I learned that good posture helped me to stay focused and attentive.  Body language can also send signals to others about how interested you are.  People draw perceptions about you based upon your posture and attitude.  Teachers seemed to favor the students who maintained good posture and were paying attention.  Students that frequently slouched at their desks and did not seem to be paying attention did not get good grades and were often dismissed or overlooked by teachers.  There was a strong connection between posture, perception and performance. 

Let’s now consider the non-physical definitions of posture.  What does your mental posture and attitude say about you?  Does your posture match the signal that you are trying to give to others about who you are?  Posture is about the condition of the mind and attitude regardless of your circumstances and environment. 

I often tell my children:

“It is not about your environment.  You take yourself with you everywhere you go.
  Control your own attitude and posture regardless of your circumstances.  You have little
  control over your environment once you are in it. ”

Have you ever walked into a room, looked around and made assumptions about people based on their posture, speech and attitude?  When walking into a meeting, can you pick out who is in charge before they are introduced?  I remember being at an event once and noticing a well dressed woman working the room.  She was shaking hands, introducing herself and giving out her card to many of the executives that were at the event.  I assumed that she was a guest panelist or some important dignitary.  I later discovered that she was unemployed.  She was not just “networking”, she carried herself like someone that was really important.  In her mind, body and spirit, she was the president of her own company!  Clearly, she assumed a posture that commanded respect and attention based on where she perceived herself to be.  I learned from that experience. 

Posture and attitude can send out strong signals about you.  If you see yourself as a leader, act like one before you have the title or position.  Create a vision in your mind and assume the role and the posture.

• If you want to be promoted to an executive position at work, start acting
  like you’re an executive today.  Assume the position in your head.  Step
  into the role.  Dress the part, talk the part and act the part.  Model the
  behavior and allow your energy and attitude to to start shaping your destiny.

• If you want to be in a happy relationship with your spouse or partner,
  assume the position today in your mind and in your attitude.

• If you aspire to have wealth or to change your financial picture,
  assume the position today.  See yourself as someone with wealth
  and provision even if your finances are low today.  Don’t act like
  you are broke or speak poverty over your life.  Speak and act like you
  already have provision.  I DO NOT mean to imply that you should
  spend money that you do not have.J  I simply mean that you should
  carry yourself like someone who has achieved wealth and that has
  favor over their life instead of constantly acting broke.

Make the connection between posture, perception and performance.  Assume the
attitude and behavior of the position that you aspire to be in.  Act like you are already
where you want to be in life.  In your mind, add the the title to your name before you
have it.  Become "Dr. Smith" in your mind today and believe that the credentials
will follow.  Believe it and you will receive it!

¹ http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/posture

Create your Vision...

Have you ever dreamed about what you want your life to be like? What's in your thoughts and dreams will influence where you will focus your energy. 

What are your dreams?

- A new home

- Traveling to another country 

- Getting married

- Success in your business

- Going back to school 

A Vision Board is a visual representation of your desires and aspirations. It is a tool that can help you to focus your energy on making your dreams a reality.  Some excellent examples of vision boards are at:

http://www.visionboardvault.com/

Your vision board should represent your priorities and goals.  Let it inspire and energize you to achieve your dreams.  Here are a few tips:

• Make it a clear picture of your personal goals (not someone else's ideas)
• Let your intuition inspire you.  You may see something in a magazine that
  is a reminder of a place that you'd like to go.  Include it!
• Make it exciting, motivational and inspirational
• Make it fun, colorful and vibrant
• Keep it updated and relevant

Keep your vision board in a place where you can see it every day.  It should be a constant visual reminder and a source of energy.  Observe and reflect on the changes that happen in your life that are captured in your vision. 

"If you can see it, you can be it." 

Good luck!

You will receive what you believe

Your life will follow your thoughts.  Your mind is where you live.  Take an inventory of your thoughts.  Don’t let negativity take root in your brain.  Instead, fill your mind with hope, belief and possibilities.  You will receive what you believe.  Take inventory and pay attention to the thoughts that consume you and play out in your head.  There should be no room for doubt, fear, discouragement, lack, problems or self-pity.  Learn not to get caught up or dwell on the negative.  Do not be consumed by bad news.  In life, we are all faced with disappointing news and challenging circumstances.  I recently told a close friend who received some very disappointing news that she should shut down her computer and stop researching the negative report.  It's natural to want to confirm and research information that you receive from physicians and other professionals that you trust.  When you hear a negative report, why dwell on it and cause anxiety and fear?  For people who have an analytical nature, resisting the desire to understand all of the details behind bad news can be challenging.  Visualize and meditate on a positive outcome rather than dwelling on the certainty of defeat and loss.  When you hear bad news, whose report do you believe?  Believe in possibilities and stay focused on God's promise of hope.  Anything is possible if you believe.  

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."  Philippians 4:13 (KJV)

Controlling Your Emotions

Why is it that it is so difficult sometimes to control your reactions and behaviors at home?  I often reflect on why I have such a challenging time sometimes managing my reactions when dealing with my family.  Why is it that they can push my buttons when no one else can?  For those of you that have children or a spouse, perhaps you can relate to this thought.  These are the people in your life that you have an emotional bond with.  They know you best and you have unspoken "permission" to reveal your authentic self.  This includes revealing your emotions and moods. 

I recently came across a video by Joyce Myer where she shares her light-hearted yet serious perspective on why it's important to control your emotions and moods:

http://www.joycemeyer.org/BroadcastHome.aspx?video=Moods_-_Pt_1

Could it be that the real test of our righteousness starts at home?  I believe that there is a divine purpose behind family dynamics.  Through these relationships, you develop character.  As I reflect on this, I am reminded of the nine attributes referred to as the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

     love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

My personal synopsis of the nine attributes is "NO DRAMA".  In your close circles and relationships, you will be tested in these areas because you are supposed to be.  Every relationship has a purpose.  Do you think that it's an accident that you have a personality conflict with someone in your own household, at work or at school?  These situations and relationship dynamics contribute to your growth and they are ripe with learning experiences.  My husband and I have six children that we deal with on a daily basis.  Large families are a breeding ground for situations that can challenge your self-control if you allow them to.  My most valuable life lessons have come from reflecting on my own emotions, moods, reactions and behaviors when dealing with my family and inner circle.  My girls are very candid in sharing their observations about me. 

     "Mom, why are you angry?"
     "What's wrong with you today"

These are usually my signals to check myself and self-reflect about my attitude.  Is my authentic self a reflection of how the world sees me?  Am I maintaining the "fruit of the spirit" when challenges happen in my personal life and relationships?  You cannot control others.  However, you can control yourself.   I have learned not to focus on what needs to change in my environment without looking in the mirror.  Reflect on your own actions and reactions and allow experiences, disappointment and conflict to be a fertile ground for your growth and learning.

Power Words

Let your words uplift and speak life, power and affirmation.   These are my power words. What does your list look like?  Be careful what you speak....

Love...Purpose...Acceptance...Life...Affirm...Inspire...Humility...Courage...
Foregiveness...Empower...Awareness...Bountiful...Action...Favor...Light...
Energy...Calm...Centered...Confident...Adore...Admire...Passion...Stability...
Peace...Creativity...Curiosity...Favor...Blessed...Happy...Positive...Faith...
Rich...Vibrant...Discerning...Intuitive...Initiative...Purity...Success...Uplift...
Appreciation...Synergy...Strength...Radiance...Brilliance...Sanctity...Clarity...
Wholeness...Stability...Transform...Change...Serenity...Patience...Beauty...
Joy...Liberate...Deliberate...Focus

“I want to sincerely thank you for your support as my coach and for providing me a lifeline during a most challenging time…our coaching sessions have been very positive, encouraging, and a motivating force that has helped me through my journey.”   TS

About Susan

Susan has been often recognized and awarded for her leadership skills because of her determination to promote and develop careers for people with diverse career goals. With a keen sense of intuitiveness, Susan has led others on a path of success as a professional and life coach.  For the past four years, she has served as a professional coach for MBA students.  In addition to her Bachelor’s of Science degree, Susan holds a master level certificate in Evidence Based Coaching.  Susan has over twenty-three years of business experience in the technology industry.  She has led many strategic business initiatives that resulted in operating cost reductions and efficiency improvements.  Her ability to produce strong business results has landed her high recognition twice as a Most Valuable Player for her outstanding business contributions. 

 

Susan’s business background encompasses driving global business and technology initiatives.  Her professional career includes many years of organizational management and leadership experience in a broad and complex international business environment.  Currently, is a global program manager for a technology company.